Carpenter Koigi meets Carpenter JC (part 2)

 

Ositu grabbed the stool and flung it so violently it became materials for boiling githeri. The boy who had taken a bath in Ndovu wanted to cry but ended up smiling. Before you could say ‘Githeri man’ he was doing a Usain Bolt along Juja Road. Ositu was vibrating like a phone with the appetite to make firewood out of anything. Fortunately or unfortunately only the coffin remained to quench his thirst. Wisdom jumped in and warned him that mad as he was it was not Solomonly to be in the bad books of the dead. He turned the coffin into a sofa as he wondered who was tougher between a witchdoctor from Kitui and that from Tanzania.

Inside the coffin Koigi was in a crisis meeting with his creator. He promised his creator that if He removed the cup before him he would become such a tough campaigner for Carpenter JC that Satan himself would see the light. In other words, Koigi was promising to deliver the dissolution of the oldest opposition party in the world.

Gossip has it that when Koigi makes a coffin you won’t be anything’s breakfast, lunch or supper for months. This is because he makes them water-tight, air-tight and ants-tight. Presently Koigi wished he wasn’t so mean as he went into a coma.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for an English lesson: besides ‘coma’ being a bump in a sentence it is also a stopover on the journey between life and death. But then you already know that. The thing is, if being half-dead is a coma then being dead is a ‘full stop’, right? Whatever. Whatever.

Koigi’s creator came to his rescue in the shape of the bouncers who had ordered for the coffin. Ositu was in a perfect mood to disconnect someone’s live wire but a look at the four bouncers told him that he was a boda boda standing in the way of a lorry. That is why when he was ordered to move his bones he did so like a stupid A that has seen Matiang’i.

Now a most wanted person in Mathare, Koigi had planned to wake up in another estate. However, his undying love for the shilling told him that it would be unthinkable and unforgivable to leave the balance on the coffin behind. Two days before he had had a war with himself on whether to bolt with the deposit. Wisdom had warned him that only a cockroach would mess with bouncers whose colleague had expired.

When the bouncers hoisted the coffin they didn’t realize that a half-dead homo sapiens lay inside since Koigi was neither blessed height-wise nor width-wise. On arrival home the bouncers realized that they had forgotten the flowers. The wisest of the bouncers warned that a casket is not the type of furniture a sane person would go around town with. His colleagues agreed with his wisdom hence they left the casket in the sitting room.

In the course of the journey the vehicle had hit enough potholes and bumps for the coffin’s lid to allow in enough oxygen to resurrect Koigi. When he came to he recalled holding a crisis meeting with his creator and decided that since he was not at the workshop he had lost his petition. That could only mean one thing: he was Lucifer’s guest! The thought made him jump to a sitting position.

Among the expired bouncer’s siblings was Kababa who was down with a disk slip. For those not in the know, a disk slip is that situation when the bolts and nuts that constitute your backbone decide to undergo a reshuffle. If you never had a slip just know that it’s more of a crying than a laughing matter. Being the last born in the family Kababa was so special that when he complained that walking around with a slip would lead to further reshuffle of his bones he was given a brand new wheelchair.

Kababa was on his way out of the house when the bang came from the coffin. Before he could determine whether he was dreaming or not the rid of the coffin moved and a head popped out. He decided to wail only for his voice box to stage a go slow. Kababa’s mind told him that when your voice goes on leave you become Usain Bolt.

It was only when he stormed out of the gate that Kababa realized he was not on the wheelchair. His voice box was functioning again and he wailed, ‘Ghost! Ghost!’ He came to a screeching stop as the ghost zoomed past. His brain kicked in and told him that he should be on the opposite end of the world before the ghost realized it had passed him. He u-turned and spent the way he had come.

Koigi’s first stop was at the first building with the sign of the cross where he told the pastor that he was ready to take a bath in the blood of the lamb. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how carpenter Koigi and carpenter JC became buddies. I hope Koigi accomplishes his mission of making Satan see the light sooner than later. Don’t you?

JOB OPPORTUNITY: When I started posting this porojo I promised Kisangau, Oti, Zangi and other subjects of Adolf that Wizard would have a thousand likes by end of the month. I should have promised some money should I fail but, being the cockroach that I am, I promised a meet the people tour in my birthday suit – on Zangi’s Air force One, no less. In case you have forgotten Zangi is a mkokoteni pilot. Now that the system is giving me vifaranga wa computer and sending the Nderi clan on the streets is suicide, is there a tailor tough enough to make a suit that looks like a birthday suit? Serious applicants only.

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