Wizard becomes a refugee

There is a group of commuters who have been arriving at Machakos Country Bus Station early and leaving late for years and, fortunately or unfortunately, are yet to find the right bus to their destination. As you board the bus this commuter, seemingly desperate to free the city under the sun, will do his best to beat you into the bus. Meanwhile, unknown to you, his hand will invite itself inside your pocket and proceed to explore its intestines. Of course his intentions is not to enjoy the warmth of your pocket, far from it. He will relief you of your wallet Kabambe. He will suddenly recall an unfinished business and dash out.

A while later the said commuter will be seen entering Karumaindo Bar on River Road. He will stop at the entrance to survey the room before he explodes into a smile enough to touch Boni Forest then say, ‘Man Tosh! Leo kameiva mbaya mbovu. Pewa kitu!’ The commuter who is now your financial manager will be heard singing ‘I am not sober’ at the top of his voice.

In the meantime your mouth will be overheating as you attempt to make a terror-loving tout to understand why you can’t pay your fare. The tout will suddenly recall that you are a cheap conman and declare this to be the last time you ever stand between a Kenyan and the shilling.

In case you manage to get home with your heart still pumping your rib will be as puffy as mandazi ya Burma because you have manufactured yet another reason for not buying her that ng’ombe. For those not in the know we have ng’ombe, the holder of patent rights to cow milk and beef and ng’ombe, the nangos whose presence makes my kabambe so shy it is happy to be identified with toys. In this case we are talking about ng’ombe the nangos.

As you already know Kabaiku is a fellow subject of a terrorist in the name of Adolf. In case you have forgotten, Adolf is a member of a club of senior citizens known as landlords. Of course you recall that Kabaiku is different things to different people in different seasons. And you guessed right; in a not so long season Kabaiku decided to become one of the unfortunate commuters at Machakos Country Bus Station. You Queen’s language instructor must have referred to his profession as pick-pocketing.

Ladies and gentlemen, the financial meltdown has not only caught up with mobile shopkeepers like Wizard but also pick-pockets like Kabaiku. Chances are that swollen wallets are full of demand letters and unpaid bills.

On this day Kabaiku was giving up when this man arrived with a briefcase, placed it between his legs and proceeded to talk make a call. Since there was nobody to pickpocket Kabaiku decided to pick-leg the man. The fact that the man was in a suit of the tribe known as linganisha did not stop Kabaiku from telling himself that ‘penye suti pana mlo.’  As the man laughed himself hoarse Kabaiku took the briefcase and disappeared in thin air.

Wisdom told Kabaiku he would better explore the contents of the briefcase in the comfort of his house. For the first time he wished KQ had freights from town to Mathare and since there isn’t he boarded a ngothi and landed in Mathare.

As soon as Kabaiku succeeded to open the briefcase he wished he hadn’t. Before you could say ‘ura!’ Kabaiku had Usain Bolted out of the plot.

I was in my castle next door wishing I could gablagadabla the ugali veges on the table into ugali karanga when I saw a black pipe. Before my mind could load on where the pipe had come from it decided to move. At that very moment Oti shouted ‘Olololoyayethuol!’ I dashed out.

snake-2082037__340Since his house and blanket are generously ventilated Kisangau sleeps in his trousers and a jacket. He too knew that ‘olololoyaye’ is Oti’s way of saying the end is here and that is why he dashed out like an arrow. He was outside when he realized that a foreign creature was massaging his tummy. He did wathi wa mukamba to shake it off only for it to migrate to his trousers. He muttered something to the effect that God should protect his crucial parts since he was yet to populate the earth. Before you could say ‘Amicus’ Kisangau was down to his briefest of briefs and was Usain Bolting towards Juja Road.

Wagothomo, to whom until now a snake was a mere pipe that has refused to remain immobile, was busy asking for a solution from above. Ras Mutambaruka was thankful to Jah for a chance to earn some extra years. However, the snakes were either too good at hide and seek or he was too inexperienced a hunter.

Even vessels of warrior blood like Wizard were realizing that man cannot survive on courage alone. That is why he spent the night outside Mathare.

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